Poor Choices

I knew I was going to get into MIT, so I only applied to UT and UTA otherwise.

I never applied for financial aid from UT, because at the time of the deadline, I was convinced I would be going to MIT.

When I was rejected from MIT, I chose to skip the $8,000/year scholarship at UTA and give UT a shot.

Once I got to UT, I didn't make meeting new people a priority.

After a few weeks at UT, I began to really dislike my classes, so I stopped going to them.


Maybe these were mistakes and maybe they weren't. That depends on how you define mistake. Perhaps the biggest mistake happened much earlier and snowballed to prove my lackluster candidacy for enrollment at MIT. Or perhaps going to MIT would have been a bigger mistake than all of them. Going to UT might have been a mistake, but I have certainly gained worthwhile experience here. Does the good outweigh the bad? How can one compare the two? Is it worthwhile to evaluate my previous mistakes in hopes that I will make fewer in the future? I think so. So perhaps there were multiple courses of action that would have been greatly beneficial. Obviously there are courses of action that are greatly harmful. The question becomes: how can I select the course of action that will be most beneficial? But it is impossible to compare two courses of action that bear such significantly different consequences.

Great men have come from lesser universities. Even more great men have come from great universities. Some great men have never been to a university. A man's greatness is not defined by who his parents are, what degree he holds, the contents of his wallet, or the means by which he lives. A great man is defined by his actions. Everything else is trivial.


My only desire is to be great.

A long time ago...

I was at a pool party with the rest of the "graduating" 6th graders. And I was fat. So naturally I wasn't getting much attention from the pre-pubescent girls at the party. I had no problem with this. My problem was with the fact that my friends seemed to be avoiding me. So I swam over to them and they politely told me that they didn't want to be seen with me because I was fat. So I dried off, put my clothes back on, and waited until my mom came to pick me up. I don't remember feeling angry at them; I only remember feeling disappointed in myself. I grew distant from those friends later as we got involved with different activities. I still talk to them from time to time. But right now I want to say one thing to both of them.

Fuck you.

UT vs. UTA

The educational quality between the two universities is, in my novice opinion, approximately the same. UT does have significantly more opportunities to gain employment while in school and after graduation; these include the Engineering EXPO and the interviews held on-campus during the semester. This is a moot point though, since I don't want to find typical employment with my degree. I would much rather find employment doing something... unique... instead of a standard engineering internship. UT also has quite a few groups such as honor fraternities, engineering clubs, and fun clubs, but these are, at best, only marginally better than the groups at UTA. Moreover, I'm not really interested in most of those groups. Austin is a large city with plenty of entertainment, unfortunately it is difficult to lease property due to the massive number of students. Arlington doesn't have much entertainment, but it is between Ft. Worth and Dallas which do have quite a lot of entertainment. Arlington would also be much easier to lease a property in. Chris has a standing offer for a job at CCoA on commission. This coupled with the willing roommate, Brandon, would set me up in an apartment with a car and a decent job in no time at all. At UT I have only my current dorm room, no car, and only the possibility of a job. Leaving UT means leaving a few friends here, leaving the trombone choir, and leaving the possibility of meeting the thousands of people here. Going to UTA means getting back together with some of my best friends, starting anew with music and classes at UTA, and the possibility of meeting the thousands of people at UTA. UTA will give me at least $2,300 per year in scholarship money, and possibly more depending on my GPA at the end of the Fall '07 semester. UT currently gives me nothing, though I could apply for Continuing student scholarships, but I estimate that these would not exceed $2,500 per year at most. In conclusion I think it is clear that UTA is the better choice.

In a fraternity....

Imagine a fraternity without greek letters. A fraternity that has banned khaki shorts, polo shirts, and Birkenstock sandals. Where massive parties are held for all to enjoy. With brothers who would do anything for each other. Without absurd pledging traditions or exorbitant fees. A fraternity built for men who desire success in every facet of life and who are willing to put everything on the line to achieve it.

Welcome to the Galt House. Home of the Johns.

When it Storms

Sometimes when he heard the rain start falling he would walk out into the night. He would walk until the wind picked up and the rain was falling horizontally. He waited until the most intense moment in the storm. At which point he would look up.

He didn't know why he had to do this. He didn't know why he forced himself to stand against the storm without the protections that everyone else fled to. And he didn't know what he was looking for in the sky at that moment.

The storm would subside, the wind would slow, and the rain would become just a trickle from the sky. He felt two things. He had stood through the storm without being swept away and felt satisfied, but he had still not found anything in that sky and felt disappointed. But perhaps it was the other way around.

Engineering Computer Programming

I knew this course was going to be tough. Even with my experience from two years of computer science in high school, I was nervous about this course from the beginning. It's a self-paced computer programming course required for all mechanical engineering majors. I've managed to avoid it until now, and I regret that decision greatly. It has been a very difficult evening working on the first lesson, but the professor's tutorial has been a great help indeed. I will now share a few pearls of wisdom from his tutorials.

"If I had one wish for you, it would be that you would NEVER meet the debugger, but alas that is not to be."

"Please do NOT read [the textbook] until told to do so."

"C is a very complicated computer language, especially for someone who has never done any programming before, and there is a wealth of reading that you will have to do. But if you start too soon, you will get very discouraged."

"By the way, don’t ask any of your professors to write an application for their own computers. Most cannot."

"Remember, if something goes wrong, you can always restart your computer."

"Mathematicians are crazy!"

"Don't quote me"

"It says: Mr. Computer please go to the library called io"

"Kind of like an Easter egg hunt."

"Remember I'm pretty sneaky"

"He said that a computer was a good slave--it did exactly what you ask it to do, no more and no less."

"Computer programming is not a spectator sport."

"but this one error can cause the debugger to go off on a wild goose chase."

"He has a special window on your computer where he lives and does his work. He prints out his thoughts as to what is wrong with your program there."

"I think my student was wrong--we are the slaves and must do exactly what the computer as master requires!"



Clearly Dr. Koen is most verbose on his passion for computer programming. I hope one day to be as articulate and knowledgeable about my passions as he is about his own. I must now go back to the difficult work of writing and compiling my first "Hello World" C program and the many variations required of me.

Eventually

The mornings are alright.

I usually wake to my quiet alarm and take a shower while still only half conscious. I'll throw some clothes on and walk quickly to class. I try to grab some lunch before noon when the cafeteria isn't too crowded. I finish most of my homework at the last minute because there's really no motivation to get it done any earlier. This causes a general lack of understanding the material and leads to more study time before tests. Home is a 15' x 10' dorm room shared with another guy. The community bath is decent after the cleaning lady comes around 11. Most of my time is spent in my room on my computer.

My days are alright. It's the nights that I fear.

It's the anxiety of knowing that I'll eventually have to lay down. Knowing that I can't stay working indefinitely. Knowing that I'll have to turn out the lights and pull up the covers.

Knowing that I'll have no one to hold onto through the night except my pillow.

Women

Who the fuck do they think they are? They play with your emotions and then shut you down. Why do we give them the power over ourselves? From this point on, I vow to never again give significant thought to a girl. I will pay only superficial attention to them. Much the same way that I would swat a fly away from my food. The benefit of dealing with girls is outweighed by the cost when the risk of rejection is taken into account. Therefore it is more beneficial to ignore them completely. When you consider that a faithful dog will greet you at your front door everyday with great enthusiasm, and that a woman will very rarely do so, a clear advantage is seen in keeping the pet and not the partner.

There's a commercial that shows a dog tearing apart some drapes in an apartment and a very angry woman trying to stop him. A guy walks in and sees what's going on and immediately the woman says, "That's it! Either I go or the dog goes!"

I would be the guy that says, "Alright, please leave your keys on the kitchen table when you're done packing."

There are two kinds of people....

When the Attack comes, few people will be ready. First everyone will turn to the government for help, but the lack of order will leave plenty of openings for corruption on the highest level, thus leaving the government powerless in short time. Once the illusion of authority is gone, most people will panic. This will create widespread crime sprees in every major urban area, and few people will dare to venture outside after dark. Gangs of able-bodied citizens will then form to travel together and engage in combat. Those with medical knowledge will be valued highly and kept safe. After the initial food supply runs out, those in urban areas will begin to scavenge for food in the streets. The remainder of the manufactured foods will be horded and hidden away. Eventually the population density will drop greatly and the survivors will migrate into more rural areas. They will roam the land hunting wild animals and foraging for various plant foods. Once they have found a suitable area, they will setup a homestead with proper protections. These will be the people that will defeat them and repopulate the Earth.

Remember, there are only two kinds of people in this world. Those who have a zombie attack plan, and those who don't.

Sleep, Cigarettes, and God

Every once in a very long while, an answer to a question long asked will be put in front of you in perfect clarity.

While riding the bus home after working over at the Pickle Research Center, I witnessed three great examples of what ruins the world embodied by three very different people. First we have the sleeping lady. She was an older, black woman in ill-fitting pants and button-down shirt with a bag under her arm. She was either coming from or going to work, most likely at a dead-end job that she hated. She was doing her best to catch a short nap on the bus. Dozing off for a few minutes, until the bus hit a bump or someone's talking awoke her. Nevertheless she would close her eyes and rest her head again to slip back into her world without that job or this bus.

Second is the smoking man. He was fairly small and sported an ever growing beard and disheveled hair under an old baseball cap. He wore a beat up pair of blue jeans with a denim jacket and 1980's era t-shirt. In his shirt pocket, were his most precious possessions - his cigarettes. In his hand he held a half-smoked cigarette that he carefully put back in one of his two boxes. The amount of care shown for his two precious boxes clearly shows his love for his vice, and one could almost see the anticipation in his eyes of the time at which he would exit the bus and light-up another.

Third is the singing woman. She was a small Asian woman wearing a nice blouse, but torn stockings and worn shoes. She had her bags all packed and appeared as if she were traveling. St first she seemed quite normal. That is until she began singing. She hummed several tunes which I didn't recognize, but sounded similar to church hymnals. My suspicion was confirmed when she began preaching to the bus. She exclaimed the power of the lord and denounced the horrors of man. She directed most of her preaching at another white, male student sitting next to me, and myself. She was difficult to understand, but I could grasp that she had been abused by a white man and had found salvation and comfort in the Lord's word. But she had clearly not gotten the help she had needed judging by her current condition.

In my mind these three characters serve as the perfect three examples of why a person fails to succeed in life. The sleeping woman enjoys sleeping more than she does her job, riding the bus, dealing with people, and maybe even sitting at home. She wants to enter that world where she has no more problems or responsibilities. The smoking man enjoys his cigarettes so much because they give him a temporary hiatus from his pains. They give him joy when no joy can be found in his job or his home life, if he has either. The singing woman finds her temporary solace in the songs and words of the Lord. When she has no other friends, she turns to the book and the church to help her, but the help is temporary and doesn't solve her real problems.

All three seek temporary joy at the expense of lasting success. They have given up. Perhaps it is because they choose the easy way. Or perhaps they didn't choose at all, they took the only path they knew. I don't condemn them for making their respective mistakes, but I do condemn them for every day that they wake up and refuse to try to make their lives better.

Mirrors

He looked into the mirror and, at first, saw only the rough beard growing on his face and the disheveled hair on his head. His glance was then caught by the striking clarity in his eyes. For a brief moment, instead of seeing himself in the bathroom, he saw his face in the helmet of a fighter in the Roman Legion entering battle. But the thought quickly faded, and he returned to his Calculus homework.